We seem to receive every catalog that was ever made. One thing about moving is that in addition to all the catalogs you've garnered over the years catering to any activity you might ever have engaged in, you inherit the catalog collection of the former resident. So now in addition to getting the usual biking, gardening, and general outdoors equipment catalogs, I get boating, gourmet, and a collection of catalogs for things so expensive it makes my flesh crawl. Most of the catalogs go immediately to the recycle bin, but I usually check out the bike ones for that incredible bargain, the $15 set of STI shifters, of which there was probably only one and was sold to the owner's nephew two weeks before the catalog came out.
Performance sent me a threatening catalog that unless I bought something soon, they were going to stop sending them. This was definitely in the "make my day" category. Well, they proved good on their threat, and now instead of getting them weekly, I only get a catalog from them once a month. You brutes.
I recently got a Performance Elite catalog. I'm not sure how this differs from the "Performance for the Great Unwashed" catalog, but I was duly honored, especially since I thought I was persona non grata with them. The most amazing claim I've seen in a long time was for a pair of "Lycra Power Shorts." It claimed studies conducted by a reputable university showed that riders improved their "power and force" by 12 percent, just by wearing these shorts. My analytical mind immediately wondered just how they measured "power and force" and what was the control, riding with no shorts at all? It would certainly put me off my game, having my naughty bits flapping in the breeze.
Another catalog I received was from a "Performance Outfitter", with a picture of a lad climbing a sheer rock face with carabiniers sticking out of every orifice including his mouth. For those of you who don't know what a carabinier is, it's sort of a giant safety pin that rock climbers use to slide the ropes through that keep them from falling to their death. Even more adrenaline producing than commuting in Cambridge. The catalog sold equipment for all sorts of outdoor activities, including mountain biking, which I guess is how I got on the list. One thing that amused me was the sportsbra section (no, there weren't any pictures of nubile sportsbra wearers, just the bare article). The articles in question came in three varieties, the "Action Sportsbra," the "Super Sportsbra," and the "Low-Impact Bra". The "Action Sportsbra" seemed a bit redundant, since you probably wouldn't don one of these if you were planning to plant yourself in front of the tube. The "Super Sportsbra" seemed to differentiate itself primarily in size, starting with the M's (32 D), all the way up to the XL, 42DD. I guess this model must have extra reinforcement to handle the more ponderous payload. What really puzzled me was the "Low-Impact" bra. If this was a "Low-Impact" bra, what would be a "High-Impact" bra. I started having visions of large chain mail clad opera stars named "Brunhilda," with whom I feared any sort of impact at all.
The next page after the bras, was their "Support System" containing all sorts of devices aimed at lashing various damaged body parts back together well enough so you could go out and continue damaging yourself in your sport of choice. I guess you can't keep a good woman down.
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