I’ll bet your mother told you to make sure you always wear clean underwear in case you were taken to the hospital. Well, your mother was right. Actually, in my case it was a bit of a moot point, since I wasn’t wearing any underwear at all, but the rest of my ensemble could have been chosen better for a visit to the ER.
Let me back up a bit. I was riding home one evening as usual, and the next thing I remember is waking up in the hospital. Seems I’d had a FDGB for reasons that will never be known, and landed on my head. Helmet cracked in several places, like an egg. I guess I was coherent enough to tell the people that found me our phone number, and I vaguely recall trying to convince Susan to go home instead of the hospital, but all the rest is a blur.
I gather from Susan that she had to do some fast talking to keep from getting me a “psych consult” as they say on ER, based on my outfit. Let me explain that I do indeed buy new cycling togs, but my commuting gear is mostly hand me downs of stuff that I wouldn’t wear on weekend rides. My tights were a red and blue number that a friend had given me. Said friend is considerably shorter than me, so they really didn’t fit, but the price was right.
They didn’t go all that well with my lime green shorts. The shorts are another story. As summer turns into fall, I usually abandon my jersey for something warmer. Since I am wont to carry all my stuff (keys, wallet, handkerchief) in the jersey, I need some auxiliary pockets. That’s where the shorts come in. I’ve got cycling shorts and the famous tights underneath, so all the shorts really do is supply pockets. After many miles, the crotch usually wears out, and pockets are about that’s left. I have patched this particular crotch numerous times, applying several layers of material from an old pair of blue jeans. Even at that, the holes seemed to be winning again, and I was seriously thinking about retiring them. But I figured I’d give them one more season.
My top was somewhat more conventional, Lifa polypro base layer, and a nylon vest on the outside. What really got their attention was the shirt that was my mid layer. Many years ago, Eric Ferioli, who is my main fashion consultant, wrote an article about custom winter cycling gear. The problem with cycling in cold weather, is that your front gets all the wind and is cold, while your back is better insulated. So adding a layer to keep your front warm makes your back overheat. Eric’s masterful solution is to wear an ordinary shirt backwards, with the back open (like those silly gowns they make you wear in the hospital). So, I fashioned one of these, with velcro on the sleeves and neck, and it works quite well. Susan, unfortunately, had to do quite a bit of explaining as to how I really did mean to put the shirt on that way. Taken in the context of the rest of my outfit, I guess it didn’t seem all that strange.
It did make taking the shirt off easier when I was admitted. Unfortunately, my Lifa base layer did not fare so well, as it was subjected to an extreme makeover with a scalpel. This was a great sadness, as this was one of the original Lifa undershirts (the one with the racing stripes) that I’ve had practically since polypropylene was invented. Mike Hanauer is the only living human I know who still has one of these.
When I got home, Susan refused to reveal the whereabouts of the tights and the green shorts, even though they had not gone under the knife like the Lifa top.
But all is well, I have a backup pair of green shorts, and some other garish tights
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